Yes, No or Wait

The moment I was born, he was there watching me the first time I open my eyes to see the world. Twenty four years later, I am the one who is watching him as he closed his eyes to leave the world.

They say God is the King of mercy. He listens to all kinds of prayers. He is fair and just. And He answers every prayer with YES, NO or WAIT. If you ask me what He answered to me, help me figure it out as I’ll write my father’s battle to this so called life.

Oct 2015

From the moment I accompanied my father to see a doctor; I know our life will change forever. I’m a nurse, of course it’s a nature to anticipate everything, “Tatay, basin ma ICU pa jud ka after.”says the doctor. At that moment, as our consultation ended and as I took the elevator together with my little brother to buy the prescription, I shed my first tear of fear. I am a nurse, while I’m busy taking care of other people I didn’t notice the one I supposed to assess, diagnose, prioritize, intervene and evaluate. I’m supposed to be his nurse but I failed to do so. That was the last one I saw him walk the road leading us his children to our pension house. That was the last one I saw him climb the ship’s stairs as we headed back to go home. It was the first time we travelled together and it was also the last.

You know who was the first one I went to ask for help during that moment? It was You heavenly father.

It was the same month of that same year when my father courageously took his toe amputation. Before the operation, he was on a great state and even mentioned to me that he felt better than before (maybe because of the antibiotics and IVFs). We almost thought of cancelling the surgery but in the medical insight and me as part of that field, the benefit is greater than the risks. We need to save his leg before it starts spreading. The operation went well, I had friend nurses who took good care of him. I thought everything will be fine, well everyone thought but as the surgeon had his first dressing on my father’s post op site, it was not clean as I thought. I had my first cry after that. I cried hard at our nurse’s station. I just knew then that it will be the start of the battle. I wasn’t prepared nor my father and family. I wasn’t armored; the only thing I’ve got was my faith with God… that everything will be okay.

Nov 2015

We trusted the doctors and we went home. But not long after, that signaled the beginning of my father’s battle.

(Pasted below are my diaries I encoded on my phone. No edits.)

Thu, Nov.5, 2015

Sigh… today, my father just defecated blood twice. I don’t know what to do. My mother is panicking and I am shaking inside. I am extremely afraid and I am never this afraid my whole life. Lord, help us… help my father. Is this the test of faith I was once asked? If this is Lord, help me go thru with this. Strengthen me, please give me strength…please Lord. I’m slowly breaking inside and I don’t want to show it to my family, they depended on me. Oh Lord, help me what to do… I believe in miracles Lord, if doctors cant cure my father I know you can. I believe You will heal my father Lord. Help him, I’m trading my whole life for you to spare him from this. I promise I will give You my whole life to serve You Lord. I will set asides my plans and follow Yours. Just please Lord, I know sometimes the answer is NO but I will still believe You will give me a YES. Please don’t leave my father Lord.

Sat, Nov. 7, 2015

I felt nothing but anger. Sorry, but I am angry. Yesterday, we decided to come back to hospital for admission. My father said yes without hesitation, a great indicator that he really felt sick.

You know Lord, You didn’t answer my prayers. Is this a No already? Am I praying for nothing? Are You really there or am I only asking some help for someone who don’t really exist? I’m sorry Lord, but I’m kinda feeling this right now. That feeling that the only person you could turn to wouldn’t help you anyway. Im sorry Lord for feeling this way, but let me feel this anger and let me be honest to You. I am angry with You Lord, all I’m asking is take away the pain and heaviness my father is feeling right now. Let me have it if You want some trading. Please don’t let me turn my back from You. Please don’t let me lose hope and question my faith.

Mon, Nov 9, 2015

I know You won’t still hear my prayers. But I’m still here kneeling before You oh Lord asking for mercy to heal my father. The doctor just had his rounds and unfortunately my father isn’t progressing. He’s in fever for days, afraid that the infection is still not killed by antibiotics given. I know all of this because I have patients suffering from this kind of infection and the ending is always not that good. It hurts that I know it but I just can’t tell my family. It’s hard to act strong in front of my father. It’s killing me everytime I see my father suffering from pain. Oh Lord, what have You done? Is this a punishment Lord? Punish me instead of my father! It has been days since I’m depending on Your mercy Lord, since I’m depending on prayers. That You, God of all gods will hear even a single prayer I have. But I’m not feeling it Lord. Will I just turn my back to You and walk with the conclusion that You don’t exist? NO. But I’m still here at church, kneeling, praying and believing that You will hear me Lord. Convincing myself that this is just a test of faith, and that You will answer my prayers afterwards.

I still have this little faith Lord that You are watching me right now and hearing every single words that I say. That in Your mercy everything will be alright. I will still run on You Lord. You are my comfort oh Lord. I know after this prayer, I will have my peace, I will have an assurance that everything will be okey if I just believe in You.

I will trust You Lord even how painful it is.

During that one week of hospital stay, I felt miserable, my fear overcome my faith. I hated God for putting us on that situation. I questioned my belief cause He is the only one we’ve got.

Sat, Nov 14, 2015

Discharged. Thank You Lord. Hope everything will be ok. Continue to guide and help my father oh Lord.

After a week, the doctor discharged us. It was a great relief but after days of staying at home, God again tested my faith.

Tue, Nov 17, 2015

My father isn’t getting better. Oh Lord, tell me what to do? ..We’ve been seeking medical help but nothings happen. You are our only last resource. Make him heal Lord, give us some miracle. I know I keep asking You that and You won’t give that easily, and I know I’m not worthy. But please Lord I am still hoping and believing that You will give me Your mercy. Lord, please heal my father Lord. He’s all we’ve got. I think I will die too if we lose him. Lord I really don’t know what to do now. I hope You are listening Lord. Are my prayers that weak? What will I do Lord? Listen to me Lord. Lord, where are You?

Thu, Nov 19, 2015

My father is admitted again. A while ago, at the emergency room, my father just called someone’s name “uy,Gary V.” I asked my mother who’s he referring to and she answered with teary eyes “ag tatay Margarito nimo,” my grandfather who passed away. During that moment, my father’s vitals were dropping, he’s pale as hell. The doctor even said that he will be admitted to ICU. That’s how worse his condition is. Is the appearance of my grandfather Your way of getting him Lord? Lord, I can’t help but be angry with You again. Bu during that moment I felt Your presence, I felt that You were beside my father fighting his sufferings. Lord, I will not give up on You, please don’t give up on my father. And I will not stop asking You Lord until You say YES.

Fri, Nov 20, 2015

Today, I just cried in front of my friends, in front of the doctor… I felt their sincerity and concern towars my father. Dr.Miranda even said “ayaw iyak atubangan sa imong papa. Don’t worry, we are here.” My friends even said I need to be strong for my family, they depended on me. I don’t want to be a burden to my friends that’s why I never opened up and asked for a help but this time, I can’t longer stand on my own. My strength had drained and I felt like my prayers are not enough. This time, I showed to them my pain and I just broke. I believed prayers are still the answer, that’s why I asked them to.

Lord, please hear me. Hear our prayers oh Lord.

We decided to take my father to Siliman University cause he isn’t getting better. I just knew then it is as if that I stopped praying. He was weak as before. We’ve got no money. It was my first time I witnessed my mother begged for a little amount of money to our relatives, she shed tears while they showed no care at all. My mother is a strong person but at that moment she flaunted her weakness just to give us the money that we own at the first place. At that moment we looked like a beggar asking for the money but we didn’t care at all, I just thought karma will find it’s way.

My father’s fever never subsided. His amputated foot never healed. He developed bedsore for being immobile and for having watery stools. He can’t even move to scratch his face. He is in the state of pain because of swollen joints. It was awful to see him like that. We bleed and cried secretly.

Sun, Nov 29, 2015

Lord, I am asking for miracles. Help my father Lord.

And at that helpless state of ours, when I felt my prayers weren’t enough, I decided to ask for my friends’ help for a prayer. All I’ve got is to believe in the power of prayers, the power of you God.

Again for the second time, we begged our relatives for money. My mother with her mother instincts doesn’t want the operation since we don’t have no money at all, she was also thinking for my brothers’ sake. I broke up that time cause I know that operation is the only way to save my father and we don’t have the resources. My mother was about to give up, my father wanted to go home. I felt helpless and I’m also about to give up at that moment but my friends kept pushing me forward, God never let me to give up. My friends kept on reminding me that money can be find but life can’t, that God will provide.

And He did. Our relatives willingly gave us the money of our sold land, though it’s not fully paid but it was enough for my father’s operation. At that moment, I realized that God is still listening.

Dec 2015

Wed, Dec 2, 2015

Today is my father’s second amputation.

Is my faith lost? Do the negative energy that surrounds me changed my trust on You Lord? Will I just give up this easily when my parents are already giving up? NO. I will still believe. Even though You’ll give me a NO answer in the end. Please fight this battle with us Lord. Be with my father the moment he’ll enter the operating room. Guide the surgeon and the nurses who will assist the operation. Be with them oh Lord. I cast all my trust and faith on You oh Lord.

My father’s second amputation went well. It was a below the knee amputation. Though it was so painful but we endured it to see my father live. Me and my mother just secretly cried knowing my father won’t be living a normal life anymore. I know my father was so depressed at that time, he just can’t say to us. And we went home as my father’s wish.

(and I am crying right now while I’m writing this)

At home we tried to get our lives back. Me and my mother went back to work but it was not as before. We bought my father crutches cause he wanted to walk but he just can’t. He was still in pain because of his arthritis but can’t take his medications because he was not eating at all. He again requested to be brought back at the hospital. We thought it was an insane decision because what the doctors intervene was done at our home. We were fool for thinking that way. L . It was again a week stay at the hospital when my father decided to go home.

Thu, Dec 10, 2015

Lord, are You even real? Then prove it. Where’s Your promise of healing?! Why is that my father isn’t getting better? I’m close to giving up. I’m close to losing hope. I’m close of no longer believing on You. Where are You Lord?

He isn’t getting better, I sensed it at all but we still tried to do our best. We home cared him, I inserted an IVF and even catheterized him for he don’t have the urge to urinate at all. And he started to lose some weight and he was pale as before. That was the beginning of him being disoriented. Him making the morning his evening and evening making his morning. We can’t converse him in a normal way for he spoke stutteringly.

Fri, Dec 18, 2015

I don’t even know why I exist. I’m not already living. I’m not enjoying life right now. This world is not appetizing anymore. I’m tired. I’m fucking tired, livin’ a career I hate, taking care of my father who don’t even want to be helped. I’m fucking tired of everything and I just want to quit and leave. Get lost to a place where no one recognizes me, escape and find myself. I’m totally broken Lord. My life is a waste. Why are You letting this to happen to us Lord? Why do we have to live a hard life? I thought You are God of mercy? Why aren’t You even listening right now? All my life I’ve followed You, I chose a career I don’t like just to please my family and You Lord. But what are You doing right now?

I still can’t see Your reasons at all.

JAN 2016

January 4, 2016

What is life?

I really don’t know anymore.

Here I am watching my father losing his mind, ruining his life.

Is this what the above wanted me to experience? What is His life teaching for this?

Why do He let people like me suffer from this?

I am giving up.

I kept on praying but nothing’s happen. In fact, it’s getting worse.

Is He from above really exists? Do You even exist Lord?

I went to church wondering, do people worship god that exist or you just existed cause our mind created a god for our comfort, to have someone to believe in. When in fact, when in truth none of these really exist. I think atheists are true. You are just a terrestrial being. Life is really a tale told by an idiot. Full of sound in fury and signifying nothing.

You want me to witness all of these? Watch my father suffer, watch him dying? If You are really the god of mercy, why let all of these happen? I prayed, you didn’t answer. I asked for mercy, you gave me none. I believed, but you only fooled. Tell me, do you really exist? Why can’t I feel you?

Walk by faith and not by sight huh?

You have plans for us, plans to prosper us huh?

Can I just say this Lord? Shut up! Why do I feel that all of those are lies? Your words… it sounded so good but it’s full of bullshit. Is this a favoritism Lord? Are you only choosing those you want to be blessed? Then, wag mo akong paasahin. KUNG KWAON NIMO AKONG PAPA, KWAA NA XA! Don’t let him suffer any longer. If you want to kill him, kill him now. I surrender Lord. You’ll win after all. You are the king, I’m just nothing. And I already accepted the fact that you won’t listen. You will never listen.

And thanks by the way for ruining my faith. I was once one of your faithful believers but I don’t think I can be one right now.

Thanks for this suffering Lord cause you made me realize, you are not the god of mercy.

Thanks for this bullshit life lord.

My heart right now is full of anger.

What is life? That is life. God does not exist. If He does, he only chooses those people he wants to bless. Bad fortune I have, cause he dint chose me.

What is life? That is life. In this world, you only have two fortunes. To have a good life, to have a bad life. You are fortunate if God will give you the first. And you are fucked up if God will give you the second. Well, if you feel the bitterness I am feeling right now, you are fucked up as me. Cause in this world full of billion people, God chooses us to suffer this way. We are his favorites. He will promise to heal, to alleviate, to make us stronger but I guess he will leave us in the end. And he will make us feel this kind of anger towards Him.

What is life? That is life.

-Messed up real big, Madz.

We spent the saddest Christmas and New Year for the first time. And everything went wrong. We always find ourselves crying behind him. I always got home from work witnessing my father with my mother crying. He doesn’t cried in front of us his children cause he doesn’t want us to worry said my mother .

Sat, Jan 9, 2016

I may have fall out of faith on You Lord… but here I am again, leaning and turning on You cause I know You are the only one I’ve got.

My father is dying oh Lord, and he is asking You to get him. What should we do Lord? Bring him to the hospital and be worsen there? Lord, I am asking for your undying mercy for the very last time, show me some miracle. I know I don’t deserve it Lord, I know I am a sinner unworthy for Your mercy but please, please Lord… save my father. I trust You Lord. I will trust You for this. Spare my dad oh Lord. Please Lord, please…

We brought him again to the hospital though he doesn’t want to be brought. It was the weakest I’ve seen him. All his vitals dropped, temperature elevated and he was in labored breathing. I thought God will take him away at that moment. I thought the battle was close to ending…

Tue, Jan 12, 2016

I trust everything to You Lord. Kaw na bahala sa ako papa Lord. Whatever may Your plans are, I will trust on You and I will understand. You are the King of mercy, the God of all gods. I surrender everything to You.

Ikaw na bahala sa akong papa Lord. Please take care of him.

But God still save him and we went home. God showed me the miracle I was asking for. When I turned my back at Him, He didn’t turned His. And my faith was regained. He gave me strength to hold on. He made me stronger, to hold on to faith. I’ve accepted everything, I’m willing to accept all of it, all of His plans for my father. I’m willing to accept whatever it is. I surrendered everything to Him.

Wed, Jan 13, 2016

I will still love You Lord.

I will still…

FEB 2016

It was early this February when my mother found my father at bed not speaking just looking at her. On labored breathing, pale as paper. I knew then that what we feared most will happen. We emergently brought him to the hospital, when I thought one doctor isn’t enough, I called for another. We won’t give him easily I told God. It was the darkest moment of our lives, my darkest moment seeing him breathless but still trying to speak and open his eyes to see each and everyone of us. (My hands are even shaking while writing this) I am not new with that situation, I see it a lot at work but it’s still the hardest that the patient you were looking at that moment was your father. He was dying, we knew it then. I will try to write it on details but It was just so painful to look back. He was breathless and catching his breath and it was my most painful part of living seeing him at that state. On how I wished to be on his situation instead. It was a painful sight to endure; me watching him die while he was holding my hand so tight. He was uttering words, I know he wanted to say something but I just can’t understand. The only words that’s clear were “Ma OK ramu diri?” At that moment I broke to tears whispering him “OK ra mi diri pang, pahuway na.” And he nodded.

And you know what my last prayer was? It wasn’t ‘please let my father live’ nor ‘heal him Lord’. As much as I wanted him to live longer with us, as much as I wanted to still have a father with me as reach my dreams, as much as I wanted him to see me succeed and to taste the fruits of my labor, as much as I wanted him escorting me as I walk down the aisle, as much as I wanted him seeing my younger brothers on their college graduation toga … but I don’t want to prolong his pain and endure more. I think that four months of battling his illness was enough. And I prayed to the Lord, ‘take him with You Lord.’

February 3, 2016, 6:50am when he was pronounced clinically dead. Acute Cardiac Arrest secondary to Sepsis, Diabetes Mellitus. That was his final diagnosis.

Wed, Feb 3, 2016

Rest in peace now pang. Lord, take care of him.

I know You have better plans for us. I still trust and love You Lord.

Now your sufferings has ended. A battle well fought.

Pang, we will be okey, Don’t worry about us. Guide us from above.

I was the one who covered his body with blanket. I remembered I told myself at that time, ‘he is no longer at this body’ I smiled somewhere and I felt relief knowing he is now with God, that all his sufferings and pain were now all gone. He is now free from this cruel world; he is now going home with his parents, siblings and God.

Now if you ask me, am I angry with God? Does this change my faith? Do I still believe in God?

You know, this whole thing is so painful to look back but I still have the courage to write these in details. You know why? Because I want it to share to all of you that God is NOT DEAD. I want you know how He is been there for me all those times… for you.

No I am not angry with God. No, it does not change my faith. And Yes, I still believe in God and forever will. As I look back to all my diaries, I realized God answered my prayers many times, He showed me miracles a lot of times. My father could have died the second time and the third, fourth, fifth time we brought him to the hospital but God spare him from all of those. He answered my prayers though I already turn my back to Him, despite cursing Him, despite on no longer believing on Him.

My father could have die anytime those days but God still gave him chance, gave us chances to let our father feel our love and hear our every sorrys and every I love yous to him. God still gave us the opportunity to correct our mistakes, to be a better wife, son and daughter to our father. And an opportunity to be a better family.

At daytime, my friends asked me how was I still able to smile despite everything, I think of my father being on a good state with God now.

At night time, my brother once scolded me cause I kept on crying, I told him that I was talking to God. That yes I accepted everything but life still gives me the spirit to talk to Him all heartedly. And that’s why I cry because I love Him more this time.

My faith was not changed nor it was lessened, instead it was stronger than before. You know that God didn’t leave me all these times. And God please take care of my father there.

We will miss you Pang, I know you are just around the corner watching us. Please don’t worry, I will take care of my brothers, I will take care of your wife. I will succeed in life because of you. Wait for us there.

I know you are already happy there and my brother confirmed it when you let him dream of you. He said, he saw you smiling with your most beautiful and genuine smile. And you already have your legs back when my mother dreamed of you. I know you are in a very good state now and thank you for telling my brother on his dreams that he will now be the one fetching me to work. Thank you for still thinking for my sake even when you’re not around. See you soon pang. I can’t wait for that moment when you are there waiting for me, smiling with your arms wide open welcoming me to your home. I will see you there pang. And while we are still not please be our guardian angel. You will always be alive in our hearts.

I am genuinely smiling right now as I’m closing this one.

They say God is the King of mercy. He listens to all kinds of prayers. He is fair and just. And He answers every prayer with YES, NO or WAIT.

AND If you ask me what He answered to me, you be the judge.